Today is November 15th My wedding anniversary to Olivia. Today we should be celebrating our 5th year of marriage but instead I’m way too drunk and on top of some random woman I picked up at the bar, sweating like a pig and trying hard not to vomit all over her. She scratches her nails down my back in blind extasy while I struggle to keep it up while tears run down my face. Thank fuck her eyes are closed. Stranger girl moans as my stomach rolls and I grit my teeth as flashbacks take over. The wedding hadn’t been anything big. Olivia had just had the baby and was unable to find clothes that fit. I remember her tears that day. I told her it didn’t matter. That she was still the most beautiful bride. We had gone to the courthouse nearest our house and in matching sweatpants and our parents as witnesses we said our I dos with a promise of a do over. A better one. Something spectacular.
We had to wait for her healing period to be over before we could finally make love again and the baby was much too young to be left without her mother but when we finally did it was like the first time all over. This time though, everything felt so much more carnal. The baby had finally fallen asleep. We had been able to lay her in her crib in her nursery and for the first time in weeks, our bedroom was ours again. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to think about Sophie or Olivia while I’m half out of my mind inside a stranger. I clench my eyes shut as I struggle to get away from the woman as the flashbacks come anyways. She clenches her legs tighter around my hips, so close to coming that she refuses to let go. As my hips slam back down on her we engage in a half struggle while I battle to fight off the memories.
As the tears and sweat keep pouring out of me her hair starts turning red, her moans, her voice, everything changes. Suddenly it’s not her I’m inside of. Suddenly, Olivia is in my arms once again. As I remember our lovemaking, I release a sob. It had been so intense. Things had happened so quickly for us but making love was something we always did right. We had been exhausted but we had quietly walked into the bedroom, gently shut the door and then undressed each other with a desperation that was like something near starvation. We had torn at each other’s clothes. We had kissed so deeply it was almost violent. When I had thrust inside her I’d done so in a way that was completely without control. I should have been gentler. It was our first time after the baby was born and I should have been more careful with Liv, but I had needed her so badly and I know she’d needed me too. She never cried for me to stop or slow down. She had bit my shoulder to keep from crying out and had dug her nails into my arms as her hips thrust to meet mine wildly.
“Are…are you okay?” asked stranger girl. God what color was her hair? What color where her eyes? I didn’t know and I didn’t care. I just wanted her the fuck off of me. “Get out” I have whispered, half growled.
“What?” she said confused
“I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT!!” I shouted as I pushed her away from me. I threw her clothes at her as I shouted “Get out of my house! Get off of my skin! Get out of my head!”. She stared at me in disbelief as I grabbed at my head, dressing as quickly as possible.
“Go to hell you freak!” she shouted back at me as she slammed the door behind her. My stomach heaved and I puked all over myself.
The baby has been sleeping a little more. I have been doing my best to be more supportive to Liv and though it’s been a little harder since I’ve had to go back to work, Liv’s mother has been coming over a lot to take over when I’m not here. I’m grateful that Mary has been so helpful, but I can’t help but feel like sometimes, she’s here all of the time. I want my privacy and my space, and I want to be able to hold my own daughter but it’s impossible with Mary constantly fussing. “Hold the baby like this”, “She needs warmer clothes, that’s not enough, here I’ll do it” “No, no, you’re holding the bottle all wrong Daniel” “Here, I’ll take over”.
It’s so frustrating. I want to spend time with my family, but Liv seems to be content with letting her mother have the reigns. I’m starting to lose my patience. I’ve stopped at the bar near my house a couple of times. I don’t get drunk; I just have a glass here and there. Just to take the edge off.