Under the Rainbow Chapter 10

Today is November 15th My wedding anniversary to Olivia. Today we should be celebrating our 5th year of marriage but instead I’m way too drunk and on top of some random woman I picked up at the bar, sweating like a pig and trying hard not to vomit all over her. She scratches her nails down my back in blind extasy while I struggle to keep it up while tears run down my face. Thank fuck her eyes are closed. Stranger girl moans as my stomach rolls and I grit my teeth as flashbacks take over. The wedding hadn’t been anything big. Olivia had just had the baby and was unable to find clothes that fit. I remember her tears that day. I told her it didn’t matter. That she was still the most beautiful bride. We had gone to the courthouse nearest our house and in matching sweatpants and our parents as witnesses we said our I dos with a promise of a do over. A better one. Something spectacular.

We had to wait for her healing period to be over before we could finally make love again and the baby was much too young to be left without her mother but when we finally did it was like the first time all over. This time though, everything felt so much more carnal. The baby had finally fallen asleep. We had been able to lay her in her crib in her nursery and for the first time in weeks, our bedroom was ours again. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to think about Sophie or Olivia while I’m half out of my mind inside a stranger. I clench my eyes shut as I struggle to get away from the woman as the flashbacks come anyways. She clenches her legs tighter around my hips, so close to coming that she refuses to let go. As my hips slam back down on her we engage in a half struggle while I battle to fight off the memories.

As the tears and sweat keep pouring out of me her hair starts turning red, her moans, her voice, everything changes. Suddenly it’s not her I’m inside of. Suddenly, Olivia is in my arms once again. As I remember our lovemaking, I release a sob. It had been so intense. Things had happened so quickly for us but making love was something we always did right. We had been exhausted but we had quietly walked into the bedroom, gently shut the door and then undressed each other with a desperation that was like something near starvation. We had torn at each other’s clothes. We had kissed so deeply it was almost violent. When I had thrust inside her I’d done so in a way that was completely without control. I should have been gentler. It was our first time after the baby was born and I should have been more careful with Liv, but I had needed her so badly and I know she’d needed me too. She never cried for me to stop or slow down. She had bit my shoulder to keep from crying out and had dug her nails into my arms as her hips thrust to meet mine wildly.

“Are…are you okay?” asked stranger girl. God what color was her hair? What color where her eyes? I didn’t know and I didn’t care. I just wanted her the fuck off of me. “Get out” I have whispered, half growled.

“What?” she said confused

“I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT!!” I shouted as I pushed her away from me. I threw her clothes at her as I shouted “Get out of my house! Get off of my skin! Get out of my head!”. She stared at me in disbelief as I grabbed at my head, dressing as quickly as possible.

“Go to hell you freak!” she shouted back at me as she slammed the door behind her. My stomach heaved and I puked all over myself.

December 1st,

The baby has been sleeping a little more. I have been doing my best to be more supportive to Liv and though it’s been a little harder since I’ve had to go back to work, Liv’s mother has been coming over a lot to take over when I’m not here. I’m grateful that Mary has been so helpful, but I can’t help but feel like sometimes, she’s here all of the time. I want my privacy and my space, and I want to be able to hold my own daughter but it’s impossible with Mary constantly fussing. “Hold the baby like this”, “She needs warmer clothes, that’s not enough, here I’ll do it” “No, no, you’re holding the bottle all wrong Daniel” “Here, I’ll take over”.

It’s so frustrating. I want to spend time with my family, but Liv seems to be content with letting her mother have the reigns. I’m starting to lose my patience. I’ve stopped at the bar near my house a couple of times. I don’t get drunk; I just have a glass here and there. Just to take the edge off.

Under the Rainbow Chapter 9

I remember that fight, it’s funny how in moments of grief and pain people tend to forget the dark times. I remember the guilt I’d felt that day. I had gone into the little study in the house that I had set up to work from home so I could help out my wife in the first couple of months after the baby’s birth. I had sat there with a heavy heart full of anger, desperation….and guilt. Oh, the guilt. I had felt an enormous amount of fear. Fear that I wouldn’t be able to do this. Fear that I couldn’t care for my newborn or my wife. God would the baby ever stop crying? Would we sleep again?

I sat in the study full of turmoil, listening to my wife cry softly in the bedroom. She was always in there and so was the baby. I didn’t know what to do. I don’t remember a moment where I had felt so lost in my life. I needed air. I needed space. I needed to get out of this house. Grabbing a jacket, I walked into the bedroom and told Liv that I was going out. That I’d be back soon. She didn’t say anything to me.

November 27th,

After our fight four days ago, I left the house for a bit. I’d been desperate for some fresh air. I didn’t really know what I was doing or where I was going to go but I needed to relax. I drove to the local bar and ordered two whiskeys. I wasn’t looking to get drunk I just needed…something. As I drank the whiskey, I pulled out my phone and fired up Google. The wonderful thing about the 21st century is that where there are questions, there are answers and I have never been the type of man to sit on his ass and twiddle his thumbs. After the whiskey I went to the grocery store where I picked up some formula, a bouquet of the freshest flowers I could find, and some baking ingredients. I have never baked anything in my life. Its more Liv’s thing but my wife asked for support, so she was gonna get it.

When I got back, both Liv and the baby were asleep, so I gently placed the bouquet of flowers next to Liv with a card and quietly stepped out while softly closing the door behind me. I had found a recipe for lactation cookies online and though it looked complicated as hell, and I had no clue what the hell I was doing I got to work. Jesus the kitchen was a fucking mess. The entire time I was baking those damned cookies I was hoping and praying the girls would stay asleep. I was desperate to get the kitchen cleaned up for Liv so she wouldn’t see the explosion of flour and brewer’s yeast.

Man, those cookies looked ugly as hell. They had been so hard to make, the mess alone was disastrous, and I was worried that they’d taste like shit too. I had just barely finished mopping when Liv walked out of the bedroom with red eyes and a puffy face. I remember how we just stood there looking at each other for a minute. I finally gave her the can of formula and said “I read that you can do both. You can breastfeed and supplement with formula.” Then I placed the plate of ugly as hell cookies in front of her. Oh man, they looked like deformed blotches of burnt oatmeal with chocolate chips thrown in as a desperate attempt to make them more palatable and said “These are supposed to help. Something about the brewer’s yeast promoting milk production or something.”

Liv had burst into tears and jumped into my arms. I held her for a long time. Thankfully she loved the flowers and the card and did her best to choke down the cookies I’d made. They really did taste like shit.

Under the Rainbow Chapter 8

I sit here, in this empty house once so full of sunshine and love and wonder how it is that so much can be lost so quickly. I wonder, how guilty a man must be of crimes committed past that he could lose so much in this lifetime. How guilty of sin are we that life can take away so indiscriminately. I have another empty bottle in my hand, to go with the empty house. As I lay here on the dirty floor I flashback to my daughter as a newborn. Her tiny little hands wrapped around my finger and Liv’s sparkling eyes. The radiance of love that so many take for granted surrounding us like a warm blanket.

Sophie developed like any normal baby did. At 2 months old, she smiled for the first time. We were watching a movie on a Saturday night and she and Liv were cooing back and forth when she looked at her mother with very alert eyes when her sweet little face formed this goofy little toothless grin. She learned to roll over from tummy to back at 4 months old, and at 5 months, she said da-da.

I remember the excitement. This time I’d been playing with her while Liv made dinner and she said it. “Da-da” in the sweetest, tiniest voice I’d ever heard as she reached to touch my face. I was so damned excited and maybe a little too happy that her first word was da-da but I never told Liv that of course. No, by that time I was deeply in love with Liv. I had made her my wife and I was completely committed to her.  To our family.

Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes things were very difficult, and we faced some serious troubles as newlyweds and new parents, but it was nothing we couldn’t work through…

November 23rd,

I don’t know why I’m writing this. I have never had a journal or diary of any sort. I always thought it was a pass time for teenage girls if I’m honest, but I just need somewhere to release these thoughts in my head. Last night, the baby wouldn’t stop crying. Liv is struggling to get her to latch on and the baby spends most of her time crying. I don’t understand. We haven’t slept since we brought her home and I worry that she isn’t eating well but Liv insists on breastfeeding. Last night I finally lost my patience with her. “Why can’t we just give her the fucking formula? Who cares what she’s drinking if she’s fed?!” To which Liv shouted back “Because breastmilk is better for her! I’m her mother! I know what she needs!”

“She’s not eating Liv! She cries all the damned time!!”

“I KNOW! Do you think I’m not doing my best?! I’m stressed out and need your support!”

It had been one of our worst fights…. hell, one of the first we’d had. To be honest, I’m angry that she keeps insisting on breastfeeding because her fucking mother put into her head that breast is best or some bullshit and now, my kid never fucking stops crying, my wife is miserable, and I am so exhausted I don’t know how I’m gonna last the day at work. Fuck, what did I get myself into?

Under the Rainbow Chapter 7

The months came and went. Olivia moved in with me and though I asked her to marry me she wanted to wait until after the baby’s birth. Her pregnancy went smoothly and so did our relationship despite the enormous responsibility hanging over our heads. I had initially feared that our relationship would become distant and strained. We had only known each other a few months before we found out we had a baby on the way but to my surprise, we had grown closer. Everyday, I loved Olivia and her honey eyes more and more.

We would lay in bed together after making love and I would put my hand on her belly. It was so strange. Her belly had remained the same the first few months. I hadn’t even truly believed there was a baby there. Then one day we woke up and she had this tiny bump. Like maybe she just ate too many pancakes that morning. As her bump grew so did my fear and anxiety as well as excitement. My mother had been so delighted when she found out she would be a grandmother. She had been charmed by Liv instantly and was only disappointed we were not marrying right away. She had been greatly supportive and thankfully so had my father who showed his excitement in a much quieter manner and Liv’s mother who had wept a little.

The baby moved under my hand and the emotion was something indescribable. I had been holding Liv and my hand had been on her belly and the baby had stirred so mightily I could almost grab her little foot from the outside. It was a girl. Did I mention that? We had already picked her name. Sophie. She would be named Mary Sophia Williams, but we affectionately called her Sophie.

Sophie was born late October. We had been having a quiet dinner at home after a walk in the local park. It had been drizzling all week and finally the sun had come up. The trees were full of colorful leaves and people had decorated their houses with pumpkins and all things Halloween. Liv hadn’t lasted long before we had to turn and waddle back home. God, she had looked so beautiful with her rounded belly covered in a warm maroon sweater and her red hair standing out and blending in with the fall colors of the outdoors.

We’d been eating beef stew with a warm apple pie cooling on the counter when Liv started having contractions. They sounded awful. Every contraction caused her beautiful face to contort in pain. I had rushed her to the hospital in a panic where we were met by our parents and there, surrounded by all the people we loved, my beautiful baby girl was born. She had the darkest eyes. When I had finally been allowed to hold her, she had opened her eyes for only a moment. She had my eyes. You cannot know the feeling I had when I looked into her tiny face. So innocent and slightly confused. Dark hair and dark eyes just like me. I was mesmerized and robbed of words and air.

Under the Rainbow Chapter 6

Fate is such a beautiful word. It’s just too bad that beauty isn’t always a guarantee of happy. In fact, or just my opinion, the two words don’t have much to do with the other. Who was it that confused those words together? Perhaps you could throw them into a mixture like a pie recipe, like cinnamon and nutmeg, but you can’t replace one with the other, could you? What may seem beautiful is just that. Beautiful. Happiness is an altogether different thing. Maybe we confuse the two together because happiness should look beautiful but that’s just another human error. Happiness is an emotion. A feeling. Beauty is just an illusion, isn’t it? Beauty has nothing to do with fate and the word fate is no guarantee of beauty or happy.

Fate is just fate. It is what will be before we know what is to come and it is not something we have any kind of power or control over. You see, we had a choice as to whether we became parents or not. We had no power over the blow life would deal our baby. If you ask me, Fate is a terrifying word. There is nothing romantic about it. Oh, my baby girl. My sweet Sophie Sunshine. On my darkest days I wish you had never existed, if only to spare me this torment. and in the few quiet moments I have, no screaming in my head, no tears, just silence in the house, in my soul, I thank God for the short period of time I had you in my life. When you went away, so did all of the light in the world.

Under the Rainbow Chapter 5

“Late,” I thought as I rushed to the convenience store just down the street. As I walked quickly, I didn’t notice the cold. My head full of worry and thoughts about missed periods and unprotected sex. Our first time. It must have been our first time I thought to myself as I rushed into the store. As I thought back on it, I hadn’t reached for protection, had I? I had been so caught up in the moment with Liv that I had completely forgotten the condom. How could I have been so goddamned stupid? Irresponsible.

As I placed the pregnancy test on the counter, I refused to meet the teenage kid in the eye. I just couldn’t. I needed to get ahold of myself. What were the chances of only one careless time of unprotected sex resulting in a pregnancy? Except that once was all it took, wasn’t it?

As I rushed back to my apartment, I tried to compose myself. Liv didn’t need this right now. She needed my support. I tried to take a deep breath and calm myself as I opened the door and walked inside. Liv came over to me with a look of apprehension and concern. She took the test from me silently and walked into the bathroom. Shutting the door and shutting me out.

I stood outside the bathroom like a fool. I didn’t want to sit, worry making me restless, but I didn’t want to barge my way in there. Thankfully, I didn’t have to wait long. The door soon opened and with that action, my entire life was forever changed.

The next morning, we sat at the table with two cups of coffee and suitcase full of silent panic between us. I hated seeing Olivia like this. Her brows furrowed, her bright eyes red rimmed and swollen from her tears. In all honesty, I did not feel I was ready for this yet. We had only known each other for a few months, and we were both so young still. I was terrified. A baby. We had made a baby. A living thing we were going to be 100% responsible for. Anxiety and panic choked me. As the words died in my throat I looked down and clenched my fist. Looking back up with resolve in my eyes, I took Olivia’s hand.

Well darling, it looks like we’re gonna have a baby.  

Under the Rainbow Chapter 4

Waking up to each other the morning after hadn’t been awkward like I’d feared it would be. I had woken up first and had just…watched her sleep for a moment. The sun was coming through my bedroom window and as I’d gently brushed a strand of her red hair out of her face, her eyes fluttered open. They looked so beautiful in the morning light; all I could do was look at her as her gaze met mine. Reaching for my hand she gently touched my fingers and blushed a little.

 “Could I interest you in some coffee beautiful?” I asked her.

She gave me that heart stopping half smile and giggled. “Yes please” she replied.

I kissed her deeply and got up to make coffee and pancakes. Most times, after a one-night stand, I’d offer the obligatory cup of coffee and then find some lame ass excuse to ghost the girl so I could get on about my day, but I found myself wanting to have breakfast with her. And then maybe get back in bed together. Then maybe lunch, then dinner, then bed again. I didn’t want her to leave but didn’t want to come on too strong, so I settled for making pancakes.

We ate together and then I’d taken her home with a promise to call. As she walked towards her apartment building, she turned around to smile flirtatiously at me as the wind blew her wild hair into her laughing face. I waited exactly until dinner time to ask her to dinner the following Friday. I could not wait.

We’d had dinner that Friday, and then came together afterwards followed by Saturday morning coffee and pancakes. After three months, Olivia and I were near inseparable and Friday night dinners and Saturday morning breakfasts had become the most delightful of habits. We sent spent all of our free time together and if there were busy days, we’d still get together for dinner and then I’d either stay at her house or she at mine.

I don’t remember ever moving this fast with a woman or wanting to spend so much time with her but there was something about Olivia that I just…adored. She made me so happy. Maybe it was the way she laughed or her long red hair or honey-colored eyes. She was sharp minded and brave. She made me laugh. She was just so damned beautiful.

She had also been feeling off all week. She’d been having nausea throughout the day and had mentioned some bad chicken salad.  It was Sunday evening, and it was chilly outside. It had rained then snowed and the frigid wind kept us huddled inside with thick blankets and giant steaming mugs of coffee.

We’d been trying to get through a movie (some b rate zombie flick) when Liv had gotten sick. She’d been nodding on and off on the couch in my arms when she’d suddenly rushed into the bathroom. She’d barely made it to the toilet before she’d vomited. I’d rushed in after her to hold her hair and rub her back while she heaved and cried. It had been 5 days since she’d started complaining about feeling ill and it only seemed to be worsening.

“Daniel, I’m late” Live said quietly after she’d finally finished. She had rinsed her mouth and had sat back against the wall, a thin sheen of sweat covering her forehead.

“Late to what sweetheart?” I foolishly replied. “No, I’m late. As in my period is late”.

Under The Rainbow Chapter 3

It had been three months of Heaven. From that Wednesday snowstorm we had talked and talked until the boy waiter had looked at us in annoyance because we wouldn’t leave. We tipped him well to make up for it and as I’d rushed her to her car, away from the cold, I’d asked if I could see her again. She said yes with that smile I loved so much. So, I asked her to meet me again. This time on a Saturday. From what I learned during our chat over coffee, she liked whiskey. Whiskey and the blues. The girl couldn’t have been more perfect. As I drove to her apartment to pick her up for our date, I prayed she had a temper or a weird mole somewhere. Anything to make her less perfect. Why? Well, so I could feel more deserving.

I was a good enough looking guy with plenty of confidence, and I knew it from my successful dating life. I was never lonely if I did not want to be, but none of the connections I had made had been lasting. Superficial and fun but as temporary as the days. This girl though, she was just so different from the rest. She was like a ray of sunlight after a gloomy rainy day. Her smile, like the sun and honey-colored eyes reminded me of springtime. Her laugh alone caught my attention unlike any other sound could. Olivia. Beautiful redhaired Olivia. She had loved the bar. We had sat together drinking whiskey and listening to the live band play. She had looked over at me with that smile and sparkling eyes and my hands had begun to shake.

I’d prayed she didn’t notice in the dim lighting. I had ordered another whiskey to calm my nerves and she’d reached out and put her hand over mine. She’d squeezed it a little bit and when she gently pulled away, I caught her hand again. In that moment our eyes met. Had it been the bar catching fire? Or just us? Connected at the hands. Connected by our gazes. We slowly started to burn. Locked at the lips we had burst through my apartment door like a damned hurricane. Her hands all over me, my hands clutching the back of her head as I kissed her hard. One sliding down her slim frame to caress her ribs her hips.

She had removed my jacket so smoothly I hadn’t even noticed at first. God, she tasted like honey and whiskey.  How had we become undressed so fast? Who gave a damn? She’d been so hot and so had I. I had picked her up and carried her to my bedroom while our lips remained joined. She had looked so angelic with her porcelain skin bared, and her red hair spread all over the sheets. Only the need to touch her could tear my eyes away from the sight. I had stroked her face and leaned down to kiss her. Her eyes were once again sparkling, and that pretty tint had returned to her cheeks. I’d kissed her deeply as her thighs had spread for me. I’d entered her slowly. Wanting to savor every second. Every moment. Our eyes never wavered from each other’s. Even when I filled her completely and even as I started to move. Rocking gently in and out of her.

How I’d loved the sound of her voice as she’d shyly moaned my name. Her thighs had wrapped around me as I’d deepened the kiss. My hands gently caressing her full breasts as her hips had thrust up to meet mine. I rolled her over to my sitting form as she began to rock against me without breaking stride, her beautiful breasts moving with her rocking as she intensified her pace. She came first as her head fell back and I had to move her hair out of the way so I could see her breasts thrust forward and swaying as she arched her back. I could feel the pressure building in me with the need to release. I had once again wrapped a hand around her hair as I brought her gaze to mine and flipped her to her back. Hooking my arm under her knee I thrust harder as I looked her in the eyes and came, groaning out my pleasure. Bringing her lips to mine I had kissed her deeply. Slowly savoring her taste until we both fell asleep.

Under the Rainbow Chapter 2

Time stood still as I lost my breath. Honey. It’s what went through my mind as my heart trembled. Honey in the sun. Honey colored eyes full of mischief. Her half smile stopped the damned waiter in his tracks. Yeah, me too buddy. Me too.  She asked for a coffee as she brushed her long red hair off her shoulder. The stupid ass waiter was still staring but then again, so was I.

She gave a little nervous laugh as the boy kept standing there looking at her. To break the awkwardness I added “Hey bud, I’d like a refill too when you get a sec”. The boy snapped out of whatever trance he’d been in and said “yeah sure” as he walked away to get our orders.

“I was starting to worry I had something on my face” she said laughing lightly.

I smiled at her as I said “Just some incredibly cute freckles” as I tried to snap put of my own little stupor.

She blushed the prettiest shade of pink.

She was so beautiful I couldn’t help myself as I asked “Would you let me buy you a cup of coffee?”.

You. Goddamned idiot! You don’t even know her name! Of course she’s gonna say no!


See!?, of course she said nowaitaminute…

“huh?” I said like a dumbass.

“I’ll let you buy me a coffee” she said shyly, “but only if u tell me your name” She gave me that little half smile again.

“Daniel, my name is Daniel”

“Nice to meet you Daniel, I’m Olivia” she said.

“It’s nice to meet you” I said to her, wishing she’d invite me to come sit at her table. I didn’t dare ask for fear of being creepy.

“Daniel, do you wanna come sit over here and have that coffee?”

Oh my God.

“Yeah, I’d love to” I say getting up from my table and sitting across from her.

“I don’t normally do this” said Olivia smiling. God did she ever stop smiling? I sure hope not.

“I don’t either actually” I said blushing like a moron. “What brings you out in the middle of a snowstorm?”

“Well, I had the worst day at work. Honestly, if I could go back to this morning and make the choice to call in, I would have. What I made in money can never be recovered in time and today was nothing but a huge waste of it” said Olivia brushing her hair out of her eyes. The slight frustration in her eyes darkening the sparkle a little.

“I feel you there” I said as the waiter, who looked a little confused, brought out our coffee and a menu for Olivia. I looked at him and asked him to bring an extra plate with my meal.

“Would you like to share an insanely large omelet with me?” I asked Olivia

“Can we share an unreasonably large slice of pie for dessert?” she says.

We sat in that Diner for hours. It was one of the best days of my life. Who would guess that you could experience such a monumental moment in your life in a shitty little diner in the middle of a snowstorm?

The connection formed between two soulmates over a shared slice of apple pie with someone who was a complete stranger only moments ago on an ordinary Wednesday The fireworks in our hearts unwitnessed by anyone else. Just us.

Chapter One

I never thought I’d ever be a father. Sure I was still pretty young in my mid twenties but I was a busy man with a demanding job and finding someone to commit to just wasn’t in the plan yet. After all, why rush what you have all the time in the world to do? I was young, relatively successful, and had plenty of friends and hobbies. I wasn’t rushed. No, fatherhood wasn’t even a thought in my mind, and neither was being anyone’s mate.

Until that Wednesday.  I remember that day clearly because I’d been stuck in a work meeting that ran unnecessarily late and had had to bail on a date I’d had with a woman who’s eye color I honestly can’t even remember let alone her name. It was wintertime and winters in Utah were brutal. At least, this one was.

I’d been desperate to get home. Two hours later than my normal shift and an hour driving through the snow storm. I was exhausted, frustrated, and hungry. My car had been sliding all over the place and I was fed up with the stupidity all over the roads.

I had wanted to go home right away but remembered that I had no food back in my apartment and ended up stopping at a local breakfast diner. Due to the storm, the place was fairly empty of both guests and staff. I remember the place. It was an ugly little diner with terrible late 70’s pink and blue décor and a menu almost as outdated as the décor. I’d been staring out the window as I waited for my meal. Some type of burger with garlic fries and an ungodly amount of fry sauce.

I’d been so inside my own head that I completely missed her as she walked in. I caught the sound of her voice as she asked to be sat down. I remember thinking it so strange  because in this day and age, people enjoyed eating their food in the privacy of their homes preferably in front of the most popular TV show being aired on whatever streaming service they preferred.

Most of us preferred to physically isolate ourselves in a world where our lives were deprived of any kind of privacy on social media. So when she sat down and no one else sat with her I turned her way. It was only a casual swivel of the head. A cursory glance with a minuscule amount of curiosity. I stopped and stared.

Under the Rainbow by A.R. Stone

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